Last year I started running to run for me. I am not going to lie to you my dear friends, my Garmin said that I did a lot more than I actually did. If I ran 4 miles, it would show 5. And I was comfortable in that lie- it made me feel like I was getting somewhere without putting in the effort. As some of you know, I had a really small medical thing come up--in the scheme of life it is small, but it felt big. It felt like the world was crashing down on me, And then the doctor said those words that no chubby middle age women should hear- 'you need to slow down and relax.' HA! That was get out of jail free card. That was my excuse to not try anymore...
I did. I slowed down. I used the excuse that I had a medical issue. I already knew that I was cheating myself on my runs, what would it hurt if I just stopped? You know what I didn't stop doing? Eating! I love food! I love cooking (well at least 5 days a week). I love bread and coffee with cream and sugar. I love Netflix series that I can watch for hours. I love pretending to write, when in reality I was not writing...not really writing. I loved saying I had a blog, but getting discouraged when no one was reading them. In other words my friends- I was ok with not giving even 50%. Don't tell my kids.
In December I found a challenge, a small running challenge. It had a calendar that I printed out and for a lovely two weeks, I actually did it---somewhat. I got bored. I got discouraged, I didn't have the Garmin to lie for me anymore. So I lasted 2 weeks. Did I feel bad? Nope... it was the holidays! It was COVID. It was winter. It was dark. I didn't have new running shoes. I didn't have running clothes. I had every excuse in the book...not to like the way that I look and not to do something about it.
You know who did do something in 2020? My mother. My mother had a goal....it was a large, overwhelming goal. She had strange mini goals in the midst of her large goal that made no sense to me. And damn it....she meet her goal. And I was her biggest cheerleader, secretly mad that she was doing it. I won't say that it encouraged me to move, it did the opposite. My parents have had survived some of the largest medical concerns known to man---and they were getting healthy. I was blown away and ashamed. I was not getting healthy. I was not really writing. I didn't even have goals...
January 1st 2021- I stood on the scale to see where I was. Ouch! Hello Oreos and pizza. I see you on my scale! And said to myself- 'Self, you will not be left behind by your parents.' But what was my goal? Of course I sat down with my handy dandy new Legend Planner and wrote that I was going to lose 20 pounds in January, run 100 miles a month, write everyday for 1 hour, finish knitting two baby blankets by March, work full time, vacuum everyday (because puppy polar sheds a small bear everyday), cook a Keto meal everyday, do that weird fasting thingy where I don't get to eat for 16 hours a day. I was doing to be where I was when I was 25.
HAHA.....that shit is not going to work for me. So why do I want to run? I want to run to burn off my crazy. I am not afraid to say that- I need to run to burn off my crazy. I get crazy sometimes. I know that you are surprised by this. But it is true. People laugh at me when I say it- but it really is true. I like running. I like running slowly and listening to my music while attempting to dance on the treadmill or on the road. I love signing along with the music...especially rap. Nothing like seeing a middle age chubby women trying to keep up with Eminem and Lil Wayne while running as fast as a slow walk. It makes me happy.
I don't run everyday anymore- my knees hurt. But I am now walking on my off days, intentional miles. Sometimes my walks are laps around my living room as I watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch or listen to some virtual lecture. Yesterday I did 2.25 miles while learning about the history of the sewage system in London. Don't judge!
I have joined a group...it is called Run the Year 2021. We are suppose to get 2021 miles in one year. This is not just running miles, it is all the miles that we accumulate in the year. So my hours of vacuuming puppy polar hair counts towards the end goal. It comes out to 5.5 miles a day total. I can do that! Right? Damn, 11 days in and I am going to tell you- there has already been 3-4 days that I was doing living room laps to get my miles in. But, it is a group of people like me. We are all running and moving for a reason. And here is the best part- there are other people running their crazy off too! I am not the only one! I have peeps! I have peeps that are also in their 40's, overweight, barely making it 3 miles without stopping. But we are doing it together.
So, my first real post of the year- I am committed to running. I am committed to writing. I am committed to cheering on my parents in their achievements. I am not committed to Keto- that food is difficult to make! But, I am committed to trying at least 2 new recipes a week. That seems more doable to me. I am committed to having only 1 cup of coffee a day with 4 creams and 2 sugars. The rest will be black. I am committed to saying no to Oreos- except on the last Saturday of the month, and then I am only allowed to have 5 instead of the whole bag. I am committed to living room laps...because why not? Why can't I get those last steps while watching a new Netflix series?
Goals are funny things. They can't be found off of searching Google. They can't be too big or too small, or take too long. They can't be combined with someone else goals. They are personal and doable only to you. You can have a cheerleading squad, but my mom taught me in 2020- they have to be your own goals. I am not sure if I am going to make it, but I have learned that I have no excuses to not try. I think that is the true start of the race!